Thank God, through cutting so much school to work in the Market, I was rich. Here began my love affair with caviar but I baulked at using the First Class dining-room because my trousers were ragged and my thin freezing Californian shirts frayed to death. No one would return there until the following day. I had never been anywhere in my entire life and now - whack! Eight hours later - land! This part of my face was always held in a deep frown, except when it lifted into bewilderment. We moved on to the S. One is so pliable when young. Always secretive about bathing, I was now so ashamed of my body that I crept out to shower in the middle of the night so that no one would see me unclothed. A transvestite hooker friend, Tristram, who had a record of petty-mongering as long as your leg, said I could take a room in his basement in Victoria. In imitation of Roxy I smeared my lids with green paint, and ate Benzedrine Inhalers to keep me wiping through the night you took out the wad of inhaler, cut it up with scissors and swallowed the pieces with water. Physically I had deteriorated, eating little, working feverishly in an attempt to block my thoughts - so much so that the Bo's'n took me aside and told me to take it easy. These blitzed souls returned from the convulsion chamber like zombies, their eyes blinking and heavily bloodshot, with an attendant supporting them on each side. I stared at him working on deck.
It was like walking in bed. Six-feet-four with a face like Sitting Bull, he didn't seem at all surprised to see us and immediately brewed a cuppa. Out rolled a pair of grey socks. He worked briefly as a bus driver, then tramped round Liverpool on a tiny pension. And something else bothered me. His dark eyes couldn't rest, least of all on anyone else's, and darted about in terror of everything. I stood behind a sofa feeling worse and worse and finally went off to this lavatory and locked myself in. Colin had something to do with it because the radio people were allowed to come on board. Mr Rossiter was an important man with Cunard and when I confided in his wife she arranged for him to interview me in the Cunard Building itself. American Jews, at the apex of the greatest fortune and philosemitic tolerance their long diaspora has ever bestowed on their kind, are busy supporting all the ideologies and policies that demolish their safe harbor and build up their Muslim, Black and Third World enemies. I turned and called out, "Are you sure you never want to see me again? Reggie Endicott took me to a boozing party at the house of a friend of his. She gave me something outlandish to eat called an avocado pear. After an interview with him I was passed on to a much younger doctor who began the cure by putting a mask over my face and dropping ether on to it. But one cannot live long in a town like Liverpool and remain ignorant of the facts of life. When I began to drift away from home it was towards them. There were about two dozen of us. Is it more humane to die by wallops from a Cambodian pickaxe handle than by a bullet from a German Mauser? As a punishment I would be locked in there without heat or light and told there were ghosts. They now occupy a place of honour in the mess, where no matter where we look we can see them, not that we would want it any other way The bliss of those first shoes. The sailors dismissed them as a 'bunch of fairies'. To me she was a creature from outer space, with her hair-dos and long fingernails, her Tradesmen's Entrance and sprinkler on the lawn. At the same time I had my first clumsy affair with a man. He was also a scoundrel, a heavy drinker and spent every penny on the booze. There had been inducements - I gave an inhaler to a fellow worker and he ran into a bus and was killed. The more exaggerated ones had left home and gave parties.
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